For starters, insert the appropriate "it's been how long since I wrote something on my blog???" comment. Today I read through a paper/article/reflection that I wrote a while ago. I could recognize my own writing, naturally, but it sounded a little different. I pinpointed a word or two and found what bothered me: my reflection was nice but naive. It was peppy and light-hearted... one of my supervisors at work called me bubbly the other day, and I couldn't believe it; that's not how I would describe myself. Still, it was there in that reflection. If I wrote that reflection today, it seems like it would be completely different. I don't see the world with the same eyes. Maybe I'm still "bubbly" (???) but I'm not so naive.
I see with different eyes now because I've experienced so much more of life. The wisdom of living more years, suffering more, having more joys, and having a mortgage. When I was looking ahead to marriage, I didn't have any idea about those things. Suffering? Well yeah, of course, suffering is a given in every state of life. But wouldn't marriage be the wonderful, blessed relationship that I ached for in the seminary? Yes and yes. But we've experienced our share of suffering, too; things that took us by surprise. Marriage also involves dying to yourself--which sucks. A definite necessity but difficult.
I also never felt the burden of a mortgage and not making a large salary. I can now understand my parents' anxieties a little better. A change (or loss) of either my job or my wife's job would result in us tightening our belts. We've had "just in case" conversations about that, and it's startling to think about canceling cable (however superficial that is) or, in the worst case, selling the house.
Different eyes, indeed.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Seeing Virtue, One of the Virtues of Fiction
For a number of years, I'd say that a hobby of mine is that I love to read. As much as I'd like to think that it has always described me, this is occasionally true at best. Often I choose TV or the company of my wife over reading. Lately, I've torn through four fiction books in the span of a couple months. The original idea came from this post from The Art of Manliness blog: the 50 best fiction adventure books.
At the time I was reading a very interesting history book, Eamon Duffy's Fires of Faith: Catholic England Under Mary Tudor. My love of England (of which I am guilty, with apologies to my Irish ancestry), coupled with the history of the Tudor family (which has fascinated me since college), then adding an exoneration of Queen Mary (faults, yes; horrible demon of a monarch, no)--all that made me buy the book and begin it in earnest. Three months later, it still sat on my nightstand, half-finished.
After coming upon the Art of Manliness blog post for a second time, I thought I'd read a little fiction. I remembered how quickly I'd rip through a Vince Flynn novel or a Dirk Pitt adventure. As I mentioned before, I've read four very entertaining books since.
The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien
King Solomon's Mines, by H. Rider Haggard
The Bourne Identity, by Robert Ludlum
She, by H. Rider Haggard
I wanted to write a little about the virtues of fiction, with little bits about each book.
First, one of the great values of fiction is a superficial one. After spending 9 hours at a place that I don't want to be, then doing various chores (cooking dinner, dishes, etc.), and finally sitting down to relax, it's hard to engage in reading a scholarly book. For me, it doesn't matter if it's a history book that interests me or a theological book that I know would nourish me spiritually. Those books require devotion, time, and energy. Fiction is far easier to read, and fun besides.
Second, great things can be found in fiction novels. This is what The Art of Manliness blog post picked up. The tales contain all sorts of virtues and lessons, if we deign to look deeply enough. In The Hobbit, for example, there is a great lesson in testing one's limits. Bilbo Baggins, the main character, is quite content to live his life quietly. An adventure is literally thrust upon him--such a one that he thinks is far beyond his capacity. Throughout the story, however, he surprises himself at every turn. He was never incapable of heroic things at all! It only took the opportunity.
A great lesson in The Bourne Identity is the basic goodness of man. Here was a CIA operative who was trained to be a deadly assassin... who goes through a number of traumatic events... when the slate of his mind is wiped clean by amnesia in the beginning of the book, he still is capable of good things! No matter how much his past weighed him down, his heart was still able to love.
Third--this comes straight from the blog post, this isn't my thought--it is good for men to read adventure stories. Why are comic book movies so popular now? Why was Indiana Jones such a hit? There are many reasons, but one of them derives from a man's fascination with adventure. And here I intend "man" to mean "males," as I can't speak for how these tales affect women. It's a bit hard to put into words other than in generalities. I love quests! Hidden treasure! Battles! Spies catching bad guys! Masculine friendship that's deep and entirely heterosexual! That is, there's no hidden meanings or Freudian slips; there is a special and unique value of men having male friends, just as there is with women having female friends. All those things were in the fiction novels that I read.
Saint stories inspire us to holiness; by analogy, I think we can safely say that fiction-adventure books inspire us to further virtue. How can I not be affected, reading how Bilbo saved the lives of his dwarf friends multiple times? Or how Jason Bourne, when all seemed lost, still tried to catch the bad guy and clear his name? Allan Quartermain, fighting valiantly in battle! Or the characters of two native women saving the life of two adventurers (in both Mines and She)! Testing the boundaries of our capabilities (and sensibilities) and exploring a lost world!
Pass the popcorn.
At the time I was reading a very interesting history book, Eamon Duffy's Fires of Faith: Catholic England Under Mary Tudor. My love of England (of which I am guilty, with apologies to my Irish ancestry), coupled with the history of the Tudor family (which has fascinated me since college), then adding an exoneration of Queen Mary (faults, yes; horrible demon of a monarch, no)--all that made me buy the book and begin it in earnest. Three months later, it still sat on my nightstand, half-finished.
After coming upon the Art of Manliness blog post for a second time, I thought I'd read a little fiction. I remembered how quickly I'd rip through a Vince Flynn novel or a Dirk Pitt adventure. As I mentioned before, I've read four very entertaining books since.
The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien
King Solomon's Mines, by H. Rider Haggard
The Bourne Identity, by Robert Ludlum
She, by H. Rider Haggard
I wanted to write a little about the virtues of fiction, with little bits about each book.
First, one of the great values of fiction is a superficial one. After spending 9 hours at a place that I don't want to be, then doing various chores (cooking dinner, dishes, etc.), and finally sitting down to relax, it's hard to engage in reading a scholarly book. For me, it doesn't matter if it's a history book that interests me or a theological book that I know would nourish me spiritually. Those books require devotion, time, and energy. Fiction is far easier to read, and fun besides.
Second, great things can be found in fiction novels. This is what The Art of Manliness blog post picked up. The tales contain all sorts of virtues and lessons, if we deign to look deeply enough. In The Hobbit, for example, there is a great lesson in testing one's limits. Bilbo Baggins, the main character, is quite content to live his life quietly. An adventure is literally thrust upon him--such a one that he thinks is far beyond his capacity. Throughout the story, however, he surprises himself at every turn. He was never incapable of heroic things at all! It only took the opportunity.
A great lesson in The Bourne Identity is the basic goodness of man. Here was a CIA operative who was trained to be a deadly assassin... who goes through a number of traumatic events... when the slate of his mind is wiped clean by amnesia in the beginning of the book, he still is capable of good things! No matter how much his past weighed him down, his heart was still able to love.
Third--this comes straight from the blog post, this isn't my thought--it is good for men to read adventure stories. Why are comic book movies so popular now? Why was Indiana Jones such a hit? There are many reasons, but one of them derives from a man's fascination with adventure. And here I intend "man" to mean "males," as I can't speak for how these tales affect women. It's a bit hard to put into words other than in generalities. I love quests! Hidden treasure! Battles! Spies catching bad guys! Masculine friendship that's deep and entirely heterosexual! That is, there's no hidden meanings or Freudian slips; there is a special and unique value of men having male friends, just as there is with women having female friends. All those things were in the fiction novels that I read.
Saint stories inspire us to holiness; by analogy, I think we can safely say that fiction-adventure books inspire us to further virtue. How can I not be affected, reading how Bilbo saved the lives of his dwarf friends multiple times? Or how Jason Bourne, when all seemed lost, still tried to catch the bad guy and clear his name? Allan Quartermain, fighting valiantly in battle! Or the characters of two native women saving the life of two adventurers (in both Mines and She)! Testing the boundaries of our capabilities (and sensibilities) and exploring a lost world!
Pass the popcorn.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I Want One Too...
On the continued subject of trying to get pregnant and the rosary, I wanted to write a little about our trip last week. We drove six hours north to East Wenatchee, WA (it's fun to say) to see a NaPro doctor there. Unfortunately the NaPro doctor in Pasco, WA (only four hours away!) retired the same week that Erin called about an appointment.
The appointment was on a Friday. The rosary I said the night before was on the Luminous Mysteries. I like that set an awful lot because of the fourth mystery: the Transfiguration. That was the subject of my first exegesis paper and it blew my mind. I was taught how to look through these gargantuan Theological Word dictionaries and Greek became a little more... who am I kidding? It was a bunch of squiggly lines before and after that class. Even if the paper wasn't so fun, I learned so much from it. Subsequently, the Transfiguration became one of my more favorite Gospel stories.
As I prayed the rosary the night before our appointment, the underlying purpose of the Transfiguration came to mind. I'd heard someone else say that Jesus gave an amazingly great gift to Peter, James, and John on that mountaintop. He knew ahead of time how great of a trial that His Passion would be for the apostles. For that brief moment, Jesus let them slip behind the curtain of heaven. We'll never know this side of heaven, but what if the experience of the Transfiguration was what helped John walk with Mary to Calvary? A glimpse of glory to strengthen for the suffering ahead. An oasis in a desert.
While I was praying that mystery, I started to ask for the same thing. Why can't we have a transfiguration moment? I started praying for a sign, which is abnormal for me. For whatever reason, I don't like asking for signs. I'm extremely comfortable with intercessory prayer, just not in asking for signs. And, in our case, we're in the middle of Calvary, not looking ahead to it. We had some hope for this new doctor, our first NaPro visit, but we'd let our hopes swell before... only to be crushed on day 28.
On our drive home, we were treated to about two hours of sunset. The picture below is proof, I believe, of "Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)
The appointment was on a Friday. The rosary I said the night before was on the Luminous Mysteries. I like that set an awful lot because of the fourth mystery: the Transfiguration. That was the subject of my first exegesis paper and it blew my mind. I was taught how to look through these gargantuan Theological Word dictionaries and Greek became a little more... who am I kidding? It was a bunch of squiggly lines before and after that class. Even if the paper wasn't so fun, I learned so much from it. Subsequently, the Transfiguration became one of my more favorite Gospel stories.
As I prayed the rosary the night before our appointment, the underlying purpose of the Transfiguration came to mind. I'd heard someone else say that Jesus gave an amazingly great gift to Peter, James, and John on that mountaintop. He knew ahead of time how great of a trial that His Passion would be for the apostles. For that brief moment, Jesus let them slip behind the curtain of heaven. We'll never know this side of heaven, but what if the experience of the Transfiguration was what helped John walk with Mary to Calvary? A glimpse of glory to strengthen for the suffering ahead. An oasis in a desert.
While I was praying that mystery, I started to ask for the same thing. Why can't we have a transfiguration moment? I started praying for a sign, which is abnormal for me. For whatever reason, I don't like asking for signs. I'm extremely comfortable with intercessory prayer, just not in asking for signs. And, in our case, we're in the middle of Calvary, not looking ahead to it. We had some hope for this new doctor, our first NaPro visit, but we'd let our hopes swell before... only to be crushed on day 28.
On our drive home, we were treated to about two hours of sunset. The picture below is proof, I believe, of "Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)
 |
| There was a mountain and bright light involved, He thought of everything... |
Friday, May 25, 2012
The Infertility Mysteries
As my beloved wife and I continue to wait for a pregnancy, I've had many chances to reflect on our struggles. Out of concerns of privacy I won't go into great detail. I can say for me that any strong recollection of our baby Bernadette Hope (miscarriage last February) usually waters my eyes. Sometimes seeing a picture of an ultrasound is difficult. Overall, it's very hard when we're doing everything we can to get pregnant... and no good news.
I think I mentioned before that I've been praying the rosary on my drive home--it was Erin's idea originally. It's a great time for praying and it's two spiritual exercises in one: fasting from listening to the radio or the DP Show and praying a rosary. A recent insight came with the Joyful Mysteries. There are a lot of insights into the struggles faced by couples struggling with infertility (IF for short).
First Mystery: the Annunciation
Every couple trying to conceive begs for that moment... "you're pregnant!" Granted, we get the news from a stick and some little lines; haven't heard of the archangel Gabriel bringing any more glad tidings since that wonderful day. The thing to pray for on this mystery is the willingness to be joyful when others get pregnant. New life is new life, no matter how good or bad a situation may be.
Second Mystery: the Visitation
This is a celebration of pregnancy... John the Baptist dancing in the womb! Mary and Elizabeth, two unlikely mothers, rejoicing and giving praise to God! However, the praise carries less meaning if we forget how long it took Elizabeth to conceive. The way the Gospel of Luke describes her is: "But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren" (1:7). So, not only did Elizabeth have to deal with it on her own, but it was apparently a plainly known fact that she was barren. Lovely! Imagine what the other women said at the water well! At the market! And in those days, barrenness was seen as a curse from God or the results of sins; either hers or her parents'.
On this mystery we should pray for all women struggling with infertility. She has to deal with it; her marriage has to cope with it... and no matter how private the couple keeps it, the community notices. While all the other young couples are starting families, IF couples are forced to wait.
Third Mystery: the Nativity
The road to having a child can be a lot more complicated than expected. We should pray for all IF couples that they have strength for the journey.
Fourth Mystery: the Presentation in the Temple
Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three days. Many lose children in the womb as we did, and the pain bores deep into the heart. On this mystery, we should pray for all of those who have gone through a miscarriage. Even more prayers for those who experienced more than one.
I think I mentioned before that I've been praying the rosary on my drive home--it was Erin's idea originally. It's a great time for praying and it's two spiritual exercises in one: fasting from listening to the radio or the DP Show and praying a rosary. A recent insight came with the Joyful Mysteries. There are a lot of insights into the struggles faced by couples struggling with infertility (IF for short).
First Mystery: the Annunciation
Every couple trying to conceive begs for that moment... "you're pregnant!" Granted, we get the news from a stick and some little lines; haven't heard of the archangel Gabriel bringing any more glad tidings since that wonderful day. The thing to pray for on this mystery is the willingness to be joyful when others get pregnant. New life is new life, no matter how good or bad a situation may be.
Second Mystery: the Visitation
This is a celebration of pregnancy... John the Baptist dancing in the womb! Mary and Elizabeth, two unlikely mothers, rejoicing and giving praise to God! However, the praise carries less meaning if we forget how long it took Elizabeth to conceive. The way the Gospel of Luke describes her is: "But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren" (1:7). So, not only did Elizabeth have to deal with it on her own, but it was apparently a plainly known fact that she was barren. Lovely! Imagine what the other women said at the water well! At the market! And in those days, barrenness was seen as a curse from God or the results of sins; either hers or her parents'.
On this mystery we should pray for all women struggling with infertility. She has to deal with it; her marriage has to cope with it... and no matter how private the couple keeps it, the community notices. While all the other young couples are starting families, IF couples are forced to wait.
Third Mystery: the Nativity
The road to having a child can be a lot more complicated than expected. We should pray for all IF couples that they have strength for the journey.
Fourth Mystery: the Presentation in the Temple
Here we can count Our Lady of Sorrows as our companion. Imagine a joyful occasion--consecrating Jesus according to the Mosaic Law--broken into by a prophecy of suffering. Simeon rejoiced at first but then warned Mary that a sword would pierce her heart. On this mystery, please, Our Mother, pray for us. A sword pierces the hearts of every IF couple that's trying! Stabat Mater dolorosa, ora pro nobis.
Fifth Mystery: Finding of the Child Jesus in the Temple
Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three days. Many lose children in the womb as we did, and the pain bores deep into the heart. On this mystery, we should pray for all of those who have gone through a miscarriage. Even more prayers for those who experienced more than one.
Monday, April 9, 2012
How Much Is Really Missing?
Lately (well, that's generous, it's been a week and a half or so), I've been praying the rosary on my drive home from work. It was on the suggestion of my beloved wife; for some reason, it's easier to pray the rosary on our respective drives home than it is to remember to say it together every night. That's not meant to be negative in any way... and on the drive home, I'm fasting in a very small way by not listening to music or podcasts.
To celebrate the Octave of Easter, I prayed the Glorious Mysteries today. As my mind drifted a little bit, I wondered why we have the mysteries we do. Other than the Luminous Mysteries, I confess my ignorance of the origin of the other three sets of mysteries. Then I digressed further, wondering why Bl. John Paul II didn't create further sets of mysteries. He could've gone nuts! There could be the Healing Mysteries (like the man born blind, paralytic lowered through the roof, the raising of Lazarus, the daughter of Jairus, etc.), or the Spiritual Warfare Mysteries (curing of the various demoniacs, rebuking of Peter, Gethsemane, the temptation in the desert, etc.), or the Conversion of Heart Mysteries (Saul of Tarsus, Zaccheus, Thomas on Holy Saturday, road to Emmaus, etc.). With the abundance of powerful Gospel stories, the possibilities are vast!
Yet when I came to the second Glorious Mystery, the Ascension of Jesus, I realized there was a lot more to it than just a divine elevator. I count it as an insight of the Holy Spirit: buried within the mystery of the Ascension is the great mystery of the Church. Why didn't Jesus stick around longer? We don't have any answer to that, except the Church. Because of a reason known only to God, He wanted mankind to spread the Good News. As soon as Jesus ascended, an angel appeared to the apostles and said, "What are you looking up in the sky for? Get to work." We don't know why God did it this way, only that He did.
The mystery of the Church is an awful big one to consider. There's enough in the current mysteries of the rosaries to keep you thinking, if you cast your nets into the deep.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Respect for Authority
Earlier this week I went to the soon-to-be-defunct Theology Uncorked in Mt. Angel. The topic was conversion of heart, especially in light of Lent. Daniel, a friend in the parish, gave the talk and it was great!
With all due respect to the content of his talk (top notch), the biggest thing I walked away with was nothing he said; it was how he said it. As he was talking, there was no doubt in my mind that he believed every word that he spoke. He was so excited about the truth! Honestly, it’s very refreshing to hear. So often we strip the WORD of His power, forgetting its fire.
In the early days of Theology Uncorked, one of my best friends gave a very interesting talk about the modern “I’m spiritual, not religious” paradigm. One of his best points was that many people that fall into that category are looking for something sincere and genuine. Of course, the paradigm is entirely subjective; it’s impossible to nail down a single cause. Still, I thought he made a really good point.
Both of those Theology Uncorked nuggets brought me to Luke 4:32. “And they were astonished at His teaching, for His word was with authority.” The two words that elevate the verse are ‘astonished’ and ‘authority.’ Taken in order of priority, ‘authority’ comes first. That’s what my friend Daniel spoke with, though he was never arrogant, overbearing, or self-absorbed. When the human instrument surrenders to the Truth, the Incarnate Word—stunning things can happen. Jesus, of course, did this perfectly. And the same Holy Spirit that was infused in Him is given to us! The unfettered power of the Word Who IS can astonish, amaze, work miracles, and strike deep into the heart of the listener and speaker.
That is the voice we need to bring to the world.
With all due respect to the content of his talk (top notch), the biggest thing I walked away with was nothing he said; it was how he said it. As he was talking, there was no doubt in my mind that he believed every word that he spoke. He was so excited about the truth! Honestly, it’s very refreshing to hear. So often we strip the WORD of His power, forgetting its fire.
In the early days of Theology Uncorked, one of my best friends gave a very interesting talk about the modern “I’m spiritual, not religious” paradigm. One of his best points was that many people that fall into that category are looking for something sincere and genuine. Of course, the paradigm is entirely subjective; it’s impossible to nail down a single cause. Still, I thought he made a really good point.
Both of those Theology Uncorked nuggets brought me to Luke 4:32. “And they were astonished at His teaching, for His word was with authority.” The two words that elevate the verse are ‘astonished’ and ‘authority.’ Taken in order of priority, ‘authority’ comes first. That’s what my friend Daniel spoke with, though he was never arrogant, overbearing, or self-absorbed. When the human instrument surrenders to the Truth, the Incarnate Word—stunning things can happen. Jesus, of course, did this perfectly. And the same Holy Spirit that was infused in Him is given to us! The unfettered power of the Word Who IS can astonish, amaze, work miracles, and strike deep into the heart of the listener and speaker.
That is the voice we need to bring to the world.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Happy Feast Day!
Today is the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes! It's a special devotion both in my family and in my personal history.
Starting chronologically, with the story itself... I love it! Bernadette was a normal little girl who was granted an amazing vision of the Blessed Mother. She was simple, unschooled, and sick (with tuberculosis) girl. But she must've had an amazingly pure, loving heart--not only to merit being chosen for the apparition but to endure the craziness that followed. The apparitions caused quite a frenzy in the small town; Bernadette went through very intent scrutiny from both the civil and religious leaders. Later in life, as a nun in a nearby convent, Bernadette's suffering continued until her death at the age of 35.
Continuing chronologically, in 1979 I was baptized on this day. :)
In the ensuing years, I remember my grandparents having a "statue" of the grotto, with Mary and St. Bernadette there. Along the side of the grotto were crutches and canes, left by those who were cured. This was something neat for me to see as a kid; it was even more special when my dad received it upon the passing of my grandmother.
Next, when I was in college, I studied abroad for one semester in London. It was 1999. For one long weekend, I made the trek down to Lourdes. I've written about my trip before, so I'll stick to the one prominent memory of it that stands head and shoulders above the rest. I felt so loved and so special. Even thinking about it makes me smile, nearly 13 years later! It was a wonderful grace from God, to feel so loved by His Mother. And, indeed, she has that same love for everyone! Seeing the complete & uncontainable love that Jesus had for all of us, is it any wonder that His Mother feels the same? We are dear to her!
Years after my trip, I came to a greater appreciation of the human side of saints. Not like I never did in the past, far from it (don't have to read very much of Augustine to see that he was human). Still, at some point I rediscovered the above picture of St. Bernadette. She was real! Just a kid! The amazing things I see in her are twofold: that God worked through a normal person and that even the most ordinary person is capable of great holiness.
In 2009 I met this pretty redheaded girl. :) I found out her confirmation name was Bernadette! What happy circumstance! That's not why I married Erin, of course. It felt like Our Lady was tapping me on the shoulder, saying hello, reminding me that she was still taking care of me.
Finally, my wife and I experienced the most crushing pain to date in our lives. On Valentine's Day in 2011, we found out at the ultrasound appointment that our baby had miscarried. One of the ways that we grieved through the loss of our baby was to name her. (we figured it was a girl) We named her Bernadette Hope Kubasak. The first name was because it was special to both of us and the middle name as a reminder of the future.
God has blessed me so much through Mary, Queen of the Angels, Mother of the Savior, and my Lady of Lourdes!
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